


Because of Your Flaws (and Not Despite Them)

by IonFusion



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, No Slash, Older Siblings Dean Winchester and Sam Winchester, Sam has a twin, Undecided Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:48:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25814548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IonFusion/pseuds/IonFusion
Summary: "As it began, so it would end. From darkness into light, and from light back to darkness. From life unto death, and, at the last, unto life again eternal. The last would be first and the first last, a cycle of the Father’s creation, His gift to His worthy children: peace and everlasting joy."Sam has a twin sister, Lilianne - a sister who vanished without trace and without reason ten years ago. When she shows up shortly after the death of their father with secrets upon secrets and no immediate desire to share, how will the Winchester family ever come back together? And who is the mysterious man who has protected Lilianne for all these years? More importantly: How will Lily change Destiny?
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel & Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester, Castiel & Sam Winchester, Castiel (Supernatural) & Original Male Character(s), Dean Winchester & Original Female Character(s), Dean Winchester & Original Winchester Character(s), Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester & Original Female Character(s), Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester & Original Winchester Character(s), Original Female Character & Original Male Character, Original Winchester Character(s) & Original Male Character, Sam Winchester & Original Female Character(s), Sam Winchester & Original Winchester Character(s)
Kudos: 6





	Because of Your Flaws (and Not Despite Them)

**Author's Note:**

> As a word of WARNING: I have actually mixed in some of my own personal beliefs in this fic. In my opinion, it went very smoothly. If you don't agree with my beliefs, that's fine; this is a fanfic, and I don't expect or want to impose on your own beliefs and opinions. Please note that I wrote this fic really just for the heck of it.
> 
> Enjoy! :)

Lilianne Winchester stomped away from the Impala and across the school green, hands fisted around the straps of her ratty backpack. All she’d wanted was to go to a classmate’s pool party - but Dean and her father wouldn’t let her go by herself, and Sam hadn’t been invited. Conclusion: she would be forced to stay inside the motel room and help Sam with research on the hunt their father and older brother were going to go on. 

But Lily didn’t  _ want _ to do research. It was fun, sure, but she would much rather be outside doing something  _ active  _ \- something that  _ wasn’t _ hunting or training. 

“It’s not so bad,” Sam tried to console her, jogging briefly to catch up with her irritated stride. 

“‘Not so bad’?” Lily turned on her twin with a fearsome glare. “We’re being kept  _ prisoner _ , Sam! How is that  _ not bad _ ?” 

He grimaced, expression tight but one she could read all too well. Sam  _ agreed _ with her - but wouldn’t say anything, not this time, and not so soon after his last big argument with their father. 

With a snarl, the blonde pivoted back around and stormed to the girls’ bathroom for a little space and privacy.

One minute she was dropping her backpack on the grimy tile, and the next she was being gripped by strong hands around her forearm and whisked away.

“You are in danger,” a man’s voice declared. 

The person the voice belonged to was kneeling down to be eye-level with her, and Lily noted with the skills honed by her family’s lifestyle that she wasn’t in the same general area of the small town. Unfamiliar flora grew all around them, and the climate was just slightly cooler and more humid. 

“ _ Lilianne Winchester _ .”

A shudder ran down her spine, and Lily focused on the stranger.

“ _ You are in danger _ ,” he repeated. She tilted her head, suddenly intrigued - because she may have been 12, but she was a hunter-in-training and  _ wicked _ smart, and she could sense something  _ more _ about him. Lily knew, inexplicably, absolutely, that this ‘man’ would not harm her. 

“In danger from what? Why’d you take me from school?  _ How’d _ you take me from my school?”

His warm, brown eyes searched hers; those same eyes were all she could seem to see, a brown so dark that they were almost black except for the honey highlights where the light caught them. “From the angels,” he breathed. “You were not meant to be, Lilianne Winchester, and they say Heaven has decreed your  _ death _ .” He looked panicked, looked hunted, and Lily suddenly  _ felt _ for him in a way she had only very rarely done with her own brothers.

In a fit of childish compulsion, the small girl wrapped her arms around his neck and held him close. “It’s alright,” she soothed. “I know you won’ let ‘em get me.”

The Archangel Zadkiel froze - then hesitantly returned her embrace as if he didn’t quite know how. He agreed when she asked to come back the next day so that Lilianne would have time to gather her things together. Meeting her once again in the girls’ bathroom at the same time, he whisked her away to Bobby SInger’s.

“Lilianne?” the scrapper asked in surprise when angel and child appeared on his front porch.

“Hey, Uncle Bobby!” she greeted brightly, perfectly content where she clung to Zadkiel’s back like a small, blonde monkey. “Zackie’s protectin’ me from angels!” 

“... Angels.”

“Yep!”

Bobby eyed them - more specifically, the angel - suspiciously. “Does your daddy know where you are, Lily?”

At that her expression fell, and she shook her head sadly. “No,” she admitted almost sullenly. “Daddy wouldn’a let me go.”

He raised his eyebrows. “Oh, you  _ bet _ he wouldn’t.” Turning to the angel he demanded, “And who the hell are  _ you _ ?”

“I am Zadkiel, an angel of the Lord.”

It was rather obvious that the hunter was incredulous. “You’re… an  _ angel _ . Protectin’ a little girl from other angels?”

“It does seem unbelievable,” Zadkiel allowed, “but I  _ am _ telling the truth.” He hesitated because he would prefer people to have  _ faith _ \- but he also had been around humans long enough to understand that some people just didn’t work that way. “What can I do to  _ prove _ it to you?”

Bobby didn’t even hesitate. “How ‘bout lettin’ that girl down, for one.”

Without argument, Zadkiel knelt and released his gentle hold on the tween, and she ran happily to give her ‘uncle’ a hug. He straightened. “And now?”

Another suspicious look, this time joined by a glimmer that Zadkiel would say is  _ hope _ . “You’re an angel, right? Can you -” Bobby swallowed. “Can you heal the sick an’ injured? Bring back the dead?”

Zadkiel had been afraid that would be the request. “I  _ can _ ,” he explained slowly, “but I would not desire to part your wife from her paradise, Robert Singer. She is at peace, at rest. Would you take her from that?”

He knew the answer, knew this man’s heart, even before the hatted head shook slowly. “ _ No _ .”

However, there  _ could _ be a compromise. “... Would you like to see her?”

The hunter’s eyes shot to him. “See her?”

“Yes. I can take you to see her, even speak with her. That is the most I can do.”

“An’ how’ll I know it’s not all some elaborate hoax?”

“You will  _ know _ ,” Zadkiel swore solemnly. 

30 minutes later the men returned, the hunter with tears in his eyes. Lily was playing with a feral cat that had wandered by, but when she saw them she jumped to her feet and ran over. “What happened! Are you okay?!” 

Bobby nodded and scrubbed a hand over his face. “We’re fine, baby girl.” He ruffled her hair and dragged her into a brief hug - then led them all inside to sit down at the table. “Alright. I believe you - but I’ve got a question: why  _ exactly _ does Lilianne need to be protected from the other angels?”

“She was not meant to be,” the Archangel stated bluntly. “Or at least, there is no prophecy in Heaven which includes her fate. As such, my brothers have declared Lilianne Winchester’s death as quintessential to the preservation and continuation of the destinies of her brothers.”

“And you disagree?”

This is where he hesitated. “My situation is… complicated,” Zadkiel admitted at last. “I hold a position in Heaven that bears some weight, but I also possess a sacred duty given me by my Father that makes it difficult for me to view things in the same way as my siblings - especially if my view is different than that of my eldest brother’s, and thus all of Heaven. I am supposed to be a loyal soldier and leader, yet I carry with me opinions I must keep hidden; I would not even  _ have _ opinions save it be for those things which I hold dominion over.”

Bobby watched him, mind almost visibly turning. “ _ Zadkiel _ ,” he muttered. “Zadkiel… Not  _ the _ Zadkiel, the Archangel? One of Michael’s standard bearers? Angel of freedom, benevolence, and mercy?”

He dipped his head once in humble agreement, and the hunter sat back in his seat. 

“ _ Damn _ . You really ain’t kiddin’ around, are ya?”

“I do not…  _ kid _ .” 

In a familiar gesture, Bobby ran the palm of his hand thoughtfully over the lower half of his face. “Freedom, benevolence, and mercy, huh?”

“Yes. My domain over these three things has admittedly influenced my thinking over the course of my existence and so I find myself practicing the freedom I help humans obtain, I indulge in acts of kindness outside of the orders of Heaven, and I grant mercy unto those whom my brothers would simply smite without reason nor question. It makes me…” He grimaced, “somewhat of an outcast. Admittedly, the only reason my brothers Michael and Raphael have not cast me down themselves or punished me is that I am an Archangel myself, and I have never gone  _ against _ a Heavenly decree.” Another grimace. “Until now, that is.”

“So why  _ now _ .” 

Zadkiel sighed and shuffled wings no mortal could currently perceive, glancing at Lilianne briefly, before he replied, “It is not kind to kill any more of Samuel and Dean Winchester’s family when they are destined to suffer so much more, unkind to cut short a life that only exists because my Father  _ created _ it. No creature is born without having first been designed by God; I believe the other angels have lost sight of this. You exist, Lilianne Winchester, which means my Father  _ wants _ you to exist, so my brothers have no right to declare your existence meaningless.” He nodded at her. “I am the angel of mercy, and it is mercy that I am granting you - mercy, and your life. Please do not abuse this newfound freedom.” 

Lilianned nodded vigorously, cornsilk-blonde curls bouncing about her face. 

He looked back at Bobby. “None of my siblings must learn that she is alive for many years to come, Robert Singer. Such an oversight would negate everything I have attempted to achieve here.”

“I get  _ that _ , but how exactly am I supposed t’  _ do _ that? Up until an hour ago I didn’t even think angels  _ existed _ .” 

“I will leave you with certain sigils meant to hide Lilianne from the eyes of angels and from possession by demons. Ideally this sigils would be carved into her very bones as it would prevent tampering, but I believe it up to you and her what the choice should be.” 

The hunter and his friend’s daughter looked at each other. “... Carving ‘em into my bones would protect me better?” the girl clarified.

“Yes.”

“Would it hurt?”

“I’m afraid so, yes. Terribly.”

Bobby was the next to speak. “You mentioned an anti-possession sigil? I’ve seen some of them before doin’ research.”

The angel pursed his lips. “There is a slightly altered form of the sigil you are familiar with that would trap and kill the demon within her body. It would not be in control, and the process would more than likely make Lilianne ill, but I do not believe the side-effects would be overly debilitating - perhaps comparable to what you consider a mild flu depending on the strength and power of the demon.”

“Is that  _ safe _ ?” Bobby sounded incredulous.

“Yes,” Zadkiel confirmed without hesitation. “I would not suggest such a sigil if it were not safe. Using this sigil over the more common variety would prevent the demon from spreading word of Lilianne’s survival to others who might somehow alert Heaven.”

Another long moment stretched. “I’ll do it,” Lilianne stated confidently. “I’ll get the sigils in my bones - even th’ altered one. “I wouldn’t want t’ leave a demon flyin’ around anyway just to possess someone  _ else _ .” 

The older hunter’s smile was grim. “No, we wouldn’t want that.” He met Zadkiel’s gaze. “Do it.” 

“Before I do anything, I must warn you: once the sigils are placed, you will be hidden from the sight of every angel, including myself. The only way I will be able to come to your aid should you need me is if you pray in my name. This means that if you can  _ not _ pray out loud in a time of need, I will not be able to locate you directly.”

“Wait,” Lilianne clarified, “you’re gonna keep helpin’ me?”

“Of course. As I have already gone against Michael’s will, there is no sense or point in leaving you on your own. If you wish, then I can begin to train you to stand against the force of Heaven. Or, if you would prefer, I will keep my distance and not bother unless called.”

Again Bobby and Lilianne shared a look. “I think,” the elder began, “that it would be best if you helped train her.” She nodded. “If the angels  _ will _ find her eventually, then we’ll need to be as prepared as we can.” 

Zadkiel nodded. “Of course. I should explain that, at this moment, I am shielding her presence from other angels, but it is very possible that any of the other Archangels could track her here regardless, not to mention old-fashioned means. It would be in Lilianne's best interests for me to take her somewhere else and leave her there.”

“Just  _ leave _ her?!” Bobby exploded. “What kinda tom-fool idea is -”

“I am afraid I don’t understand. Who is Tom? Why is he a fool?”

“It’s a figure of  _ speech _ ,” the scrapper grit out. “It means, why the  _ hell _ do you think I’m gonna let you just leave a 12-year-old girl in th’ middle of  _ nowhere _ to fend for herself?!”

He blinked slowly. “I… was not intending to leave her in the middle of  _ nowhere _ ? There are many couples who would be willing to take Lilianne and raise her as their own.”

Both humans regarded him in surprise. “Will I get to choose?” Lilianne asked. “Are any of ‘em hunters?”

“ _ Hunters _ ,” Bobby repeated in what was almost disgust. “I think it important that you know how to defend yourself, but kid, you have a chance t’ get  _ out _ \- go t’ school, stay in one place, make friends, hell, take  _ dance _ lessons if ya wanted - an’ ya wanna go  _ back _ t’ what yer daddy was  _ makin’ _ ya do?” 

“I admit that I am also confused,” the Archangel agreed. 

“But Sammy an’ Dean don’  _ get _ a choice,” Lilianne protested, “an’ someday I wanna grow up t’ be just as good as  _ they’re _ gonna be, yanno!” 

If only she knew…

Bobby sighed in defeat. “Alright, Lily. I’ll talk t’ Zadkiel an’ make a list of the couples who are hunters, an’ then  _ you _ get final say, alright? God forbid I put you somewhere you won’t be happy.”

* * *

In the end, Lilianne went to Canada. The husband and wife, Roy and Pearl, were both retired hunters, both in their forties, and unable to have kids. They had decided to settle down and only hunt locally - but they were both willing to continue Lilianne’s training as long as she agreed to try hard in school. She, of course, agreed. 

After she’d been settled in and Bobby had returned to Sioux Falls (with promises extracted to call every week and to visit every year), Zadkiel pulled her aside for his own goodbye. 

“I will check on you as often as circumstances allow,” he promised. “If you need me before then -”

“Pray,” she grinned. “I know, Zad.” 

He hesitated. “I… may not look the same the next time you see me.”

As this she frowned in confusion. “Whaddya mean?”

“This body that you see - it’s not my true form. Angels do not have physical bodies, so we must interact on this mortal plane through vessels.”

“You  _ possess _ people?”

“Only with their permission,” he assured. “And, as in other things, I take a… different approach to my vessels than my brethren. There are only certain people who can be vessels to angels, and these people are predetermined before their birth. However, each angel also has a  _ true _ vessel, a single person for all of eternity that will perfectly reflect and embody the angel’s innermost self.”

Her head tilted curiously. “Is this  _ your _ true vessel? What’s his name? When you go back to Heaven, will you let him go?”

Patiently the Archangel explained, “The name of the vessel is Steven Walker. He agreed to be my vessel when I explained that I was trying to save a young girl from being killed. Now that you are relatively safe, I will return him to his family never to be bothered again. My true vessel is currently living with his wife in South Africa. I have been in communication with him for several years in an attempt to prepare him for the possibility of me requiring the use of his body, and we have come to an agreement: he will only say yes once he is either near death or after he sees his last grandchild born. At this time, he is 76, in good health, and his last grandchild has yet to be conceived.” 

“Because you’re th’ angel of freedom.”

“Yes. I believe that one of my Father’s greatest gifts was freedom, and especially the freedom to choose; why else would an angel’s vessel have to  _ agree _ ?”

Lilianne leaned back against the counter in the kitchen where they were standing - _ her _ kitchen now, her new home - arms crossed over her chest in a stance reminiscent of her oldest brother. “... What’s your true vessel’s name?” 

“Enoch Pratt. He and I are… friends.” Zadkiel’s lips quirked in a fond smile. “He has taught me many things.” Suddenly he tilted his head as if listening to something, and his smile fell. “I must go,” he said seriously. THis time he was not as surprised by the embrace. 

Then he was gone in a flutter of wings, and Lilianne was left alone. 

* * *

Through the years Lilianne kept in touch with Bobby just as she’d promised. He told her about the hunts that her brothers and father went on, promised she’d get to see them again someday. 

Lily rocketed through school. Staying in one place made it easier for her to keep her grades up, and both her guardians and Bobby were very smart, so between the three adults she received tutoring in several subjects. By the time Bobby told her about Sam leaving for Palo Alto for college, she’d already been taking online classes at some university for two years. She was fluent in several languages and passable in more - several of which were dead languages (though she didn’t know quite as many as Bobby). Zadkiel, who had visited relatively frequently over the years (more recently in his true vessel), had even begun to teach her Enochian.

(Lily had no plans to major in any subject but had been taking classes related to hunting: mythos and histories of various cultures, writing and composition, foreign languages, philosophy, theology, etc., and had been a member of several martial arts dojos. She was, as Bobby once said, a scary-as-hell nerd.)

More than  _ anything _ , though, Lilianne wanted to see her brothers. She loved her guardians, wouldn’t trade them for the world, but they weren’t Sam and Dean. Lily even received reluctant permission from her guardians, Bobby, and Zadkiel to visit Sam in Palo Alto - but then John went missing, hunts  _ everywhere _ picked up, and Sam’s girlfriend died, and he left the apple-pie life that would have kept Lily safe. She was forced to abandon her plans and focus her attention on protecting the people in her own country. 

But it was like the world was going crazy, because she was pretty sure she started having dreams about the Yellow-eyed Demon, about her brothers and her father, and she was  _ afraid _ . Not too long after her dreams had started - almost a full year - Roy and Pearl were killed by  _ something _ , and she couldn’t figure out  _ what _ . So two weeks after cremating them, two weeks filled with an increase of her nightmares, she went down to Bobby’s - and that same week John Winchester exchanged his life for Dean’s. 

When Sam and Dean showed up at Bobby’s door, Lily was in Lawrence, Kansas talking to her mother for the very first time, telling her everything that had happened. 

“You mourn her.” 

She doesn’t even glance at him; she’d told him where to find her, after all.

“But not your father?”

“... Not really, Zad,” she sighed and pushed up from her crouch, turning in the same movement to face him. The Archangel looked confused. 

“Why not? I don’t understand.”

After finally taking his true vessel, Zadkiel had restored the body’s youth, promising that Enoch was at peace. 

Enoch had been an albino, and very handsome. He stood taller at 5’10, and all of his hair was the purest white. His face was strong but kind, crinkles around his eyes belying his propensity to laughter. But, if Lily had to choose, her favorite feature of Zadkiel’s vessel was his eyes: the same warm, dark brown of his last vessel - and not the original color of those eyes; Zadkiel had altered them in the process of healing their infirmities. The vessel would be, if she had to guess, around the same age as Sam and her. 

“I… didn't much like my father when I  _ did _ know him,” she admitted quietly and looked back at her mother’s grave. “Based on what Bobby’s told me, I wouldn’t have liked him much if I’d stayed. I think… I think I’m most sad that I can’t fix our relationship, that I couldn’t even see him to say goodbye.” Lily swallowed. “But that’s life, isn’t it? We humans don’t last long, and that’s why we need to be careful how we treat each other so that these sorts of things can’t hurt us as bad when it’s too late to change things.”

“... But you still mourn your mother.”

Another sigh. “It’s different, I guess. I wish she was here to tell me everything’ll be okay. I think I wonder if she’d been alive if Dad would’ve been as mean. I want to know what it would’ve been like to be two girls against three boys in our house, if I’d have turned out more like her or my brothers anyway. I  _ miss _ her, and I don’t even remember her.” She caught his brown eyes, her own expression sad. “I just mostly mourn that I never got to know her at  _ all _ .” Lilianne shrugged off the melancholy and smiled. “It’s good to see you, Zad.”

He mirrored her smile with affection, the angel more expressive after so many years with humans. “You as well, Lilianne. I thought I should check on you after all that’s happened. I… understand loss.” It’s such a simple statement, but she knew it to be true.

She began walking back to her navy Chevy Camaro, and Zadkiel fell into step beside her. “How’re my brother’s doing?”

“Struggling from what I saw. They both want to kill Azazel more than ever, and their rage and grief is distracting them from  _ coping _ .” He blinked. “I believe the term you appreciate is ‘a hot mess’.” 

Lily snorted. “Yeah, I can imagine. All us Winchesters sure are drama queens, huh?”

Zadkiel did not respond, but she imagined she could feel his mild amusement.

The cemetery was well taken care of, and the sow drizzle that started before dawn had left everything damp and casting odd shadows in the light that filtered through steel-grey clouds. It should have been dreary weather - but Lilianne lived for it, lived for the endless fields of the American Plains, lived for the violent thunderstorms and flash floods and tornadoes and infinite possibilities. It was freeing, being out here, and she felt like she could breathe underneath the crushing weight of not just one but  _ three _ deaths. 

“I think I’ll join Sam and Dean,” she murmured softly to the sky; Lily could feel Zadkiel study her face.

“You are certain?”

She smiled, but it was tight. “Yeah. I think… I think I wanna spend the rest of the time I have with what’s left of my family.”

“... Alright. It will be harder to keep your survival from the others, especially as your brothers’ destinies draw near,” he reminded. 

“I know.” She exhaled heavily. “I’m just sick of other people preaching to my family about  _ destiny _ . God decides that stuff, right? So who are the angels to decide what that  _ means _ ?”

“I agree - which is why -”

“Why you’re here, I know.” Lily smiled up at him, this time warm and sincere. “And I’m very thankful for that, Zad, I really am.”

His eyes crinkled at the corners in a smile his lips didn’t form - but it was  _ her _ smile, the one she’d spent the last 10 years learning to understand. It meant  _ I know _ and  _ Thank you _ and  _ I am too _ , and after Zadkiel’s eyes it was her favorite thing about him.

They reached her car. “Will you visit me at Bobby’s?”

Zadkiel shook his head sadly. “I must work even harder to keep my distance in order to prevent the rest of Heaven from following me to you. As always, I will come if you call, but until that moment it will be best if I do not otherwise associate with you - at least for the time being.”

She nodded in reluctant understanding, anxiety blooming in her chest and making her heart flutter uncomfortably. “I’ll see you later, then.” Lily hugged him and reveled in the complete safety she only felt with her angel. Then she pulled away and slipped into the driver’s seat and waved one last time before he disappeared. 

Lily had a family reunion to get to.

* * *

The Impala wasn’t parked in front of Bobby’s house when she arrived, but she could see unfamiliar tire tracks leading around to the back. Lily carefully parked in front of the house and busied herself with grabbing her duffel and running her fingers through her mess of curls. Once she was standing in front of the door however, the anxiety slunk back into her stomach and set thunder and lightning off under her skin. She knocked, more as a signal that it was her, and offered a weak smile when the scrapper studied her in concern.

Bobby held open the door and let her set her bag down before he took her hands in his. “How was it?”

Lawrence. The cemetery. Her mother. “... Lonely,” she admitted quietly. “I wanted… I wish my first time talking to her wasn’t to her headstone. I wish…” Lily swallowed thickly, recalled picnics and homemade lunches for school and two people cheering for her at graduation, and thought,  _ It shouldn’t have been them _ . “I wish I  _ knew _ her.” Tears burned in her eyes though she struggled to keep them from falling, and she swallowed thickly. 

“Oh, baby girl,” Bobby crooned in his rough baritone and pulled her into a tight embrace. 

“I’m so sick of  _ losing _ people, Bobby,” she gasped into his shoulder. One of his hands cradled the back of her head as he held her close. 

“Let it out, Lily,” he murmured, voice tight with emotion. “You’ve been goin’ since you got here; you need t’  _ mourn _ . Roy an’ Pearl were good people. From what I know, Mary was an angel, an’ I wish every damned day that you kids’d known her, too. John was a right bastard,” Lily huffed tearily, “but he was your  _ daddy _ . Ain’t no shame in wishin’ things were better.”

She tightened her hold on him, thanked God for Bobby, and prayed he would still be with her to pull her through the hard times to come. 

Lilianne let herself cry. It was quiet and controlled, barely the tip of the iceberg, but it erased a little of the hurt. When no more tears would come she sniffed and pulled away with a wet smile. “Thanks, Bobby.” She used her sleeve to clean up the mess on her face and grimaced at the damp spot on his shoulder. “Sorry about that, yanno.”

He chuckled and dashed at eyes that looked suspiciously bright. “Nothin’ to apologize for, kiddo.”

“Bobby?”

The man in question turned to face the young men standing in the hallway watching them - and Lily stiffened, anxiety slamming back into her like a punch in the gut. A curse crawled up her throat but got stuck, almost choking her. Bobby gently grasped her shoulder and turned her to face Sam and Dean Winchester - her brothers. 

She took them in.

Both of them were tall, much taller than her own 5’6; Sam towered at least three inches above Dean who was at  _ least _ six feet. They both looked healthy if worn, their bodies lean and made of compact muscle. She could see Mary and John in each of her brothers (she’d had a single picture from their wedding - courtesy of Bobby - to stare at for the last 10 years). Lily knew she looked more like their mother, especially with her blonde hair, but she also knew that she shared Dean’s green eyes and the freckles he’d sported as a kid. It was… uncanny to recognize herself in people she hadn’t seen for a decade. 

Sam’s hazel eyes regarded her curiously despite the bags under eyes that spoke to his most recent grief. Dean studied her with narrow eyes and lips drawn in a tight line, hard and calculating as he processed the chick-flick scene he’d just witnessed. As her attention flicked over them before settling steadfastly on the floor, though, there was a flash of befuddled recognition from the oldest Winchester. 

“Sam, Dean,” Bobby began, hand gently squeezing her shoulder, “I believe you both know Lilianne.” 

Two pairs of eyes blew wide; Sam stepped back and raised a hand to his mouth in shock. However, ever the cynic, Dean’s eyes narrowed once more. “Bobby?” Voice just as hard as his eyes, Dean was demanding an explanation. 

She’d figured her dreams were too good to be true. Lily folded her arms and slumped closer to her last surrogate father. “I know you probably don’t recognize me,” she stated, swallowing thickly around the dryness of her throat, “and I know that, even if you do, you probably want nothing to do with me. I, um…” The female hunter glanced furtively up at them from beneath dark lashes and shoved her hands in her pockets. Bobby cleared his throat and took over. 

“Lilianne was never kidnapped or killed. I learned of a very real threat to her life an’ helped hide her away for her own safety. She’s been beggin’ t’ come back an’ see you boys fer 10 years;  _ least  _ you can do is say ‘hello’.”

At that moment Sam swooped in and lifted her off the ground in a crushing embrace. His breath warmed the side of her head and neck and kept hitching in a pattern indicative of repressed sobs. “ _ Oh God _ ,” he whispered. “ _ Oh my God _ .” Over and over like a desperate mantra, and for all his strength and the tightness of his hold on her, Sam held her as if he were scared and hopeful and  _ dreading _ that it might all be a dream. 

Between one breath and the next, a visceral  _ longing _ exploded in her chest and washed all of her anxiety and guilt away. This was her  _ twin _ , the second half of her soul; her arms finally came up to grip him with the same ferocity he did her.  _ Stars _ but she had missed him. 

When Sam finally set her back on her feet, they continued to hold hands, eyes unable to tear away from the other’s face. They both laughed through their tears; she turned to Dean -

And her heart broke at the mess of emotions on his face. He held himself stiffly, grief and confusion and disbelief and that same desperate hope cutting off any words he might have had. Dean swallowed, cleared his throat. Finally she realized that she would have to speak first.

“I’m sorry,” she rasped. “I couldn’t - I wish we could’ve  _ told _ you -”

“We thought you were dead,” he bit back, tone rough with hurt and betrayal. 

It hurt more than she thought it would - even though she’d prepared for this exact reaction. Lily swallowed and pursed her lips; she was a Winchester, and that meant she wasn’t  _ weak _ . “I  _ would’ve _ been if I  _ didn’t _ leave.” 

Dean’s confusion returned; he looked to Bobby, and the old hunter stepped forward. “Lily was saved by…” Except now Lily shared a look with Bobby, one that warned  _ not yet, too soon _ , and he settled on, “someone claimin’ t’ know of a death threat set on her head just for existing. That’s when I helped her go into hiding.”

Her oldest brother clenched his fists and grit his teeth, and Lily chose to step in before he could blow a gasket. “I went willingly, Dean, and Bobby and I have both seen proof enough to know the threat is still very real. I woulda  _ died _ if I stayed, and you an’ Dad wouldn’t have had a  _ chance _ of protecting me from what’s after me.” She offered a wan, weary, empty smile. “I almost came back a year ago to visit Sam in Palo Alto, but…” She looked at her twin with honest empathy. “My congratulations - and condolences.” 

“So why come back  _ now _ , huh?” Dean demanded. The aggression hadn’t worn off - his natural defence to feelings and situations he didn’t understand. “Why wait a whole  _ year _ to come home? You could’ve  _ helped _ us! We could’ve saved Dad! Killed the Yellow Eyed Demon!” 

Immediately she was shaking her head. “You don’t understand, Dean -”

“Then  _ help _ me understand, dammit! You’ve been gone for  _ ten years _ , and all we get for all our grief is an  _ apology _ ?  _ Condolences _ ? Our dad is  _ dead _ !  _ Killed _ by the bastard that  _ took our mom _ ! We  _ mourned _ you, Lilianne, so  _ where _ the  _ hell _ have you been?!”

Rage made her limbs tremble, and it took all of her self-control to stay where she was standing. How  _ dare _ he?! She had lost, too! She had mourned them, was still mourning Roy and Pearl, was  _ dying _ , and all she wanted was to see  _ this _ asshole again?!

“ _ Lily _ .”

She automatically sucked in a labored breath in response to Bobby’s voice, and that was when she realized that she hadn’t been breathing and that her heart was stabbing her every couple of beats. Lily unclenched her own fists and noted absently that the trembling was no longer from heightened emotions (more, rather, the  _ result _ of those emotions). “I’m fine,” she promised quietly as soon as she’d managed to slow her heart rate. Louder she said, “I’ve been in Canada living with a retired couple - retired from  _ hunting _ . They taught me almost everything I know, and Bobby can  _ prove _ that it’s paid off. So you wanna know where I’ve been? Trying to save  _ your _ sorry ass  _ besides _ my own  _ plus _ all of the people threatened by supernatural threats near  _ my _ home. I couldn’t come back until  _ now _ because people were  _ dying _ , Dean, and I could  _ save _ them. I’m sorry about Dad - I really am. But John Winchester was a  _ bastard _ , and I’m only sorry I didn’t get the chance to say goodbye.”

He stabbed a finger at her. “You  _ watch _ it. That’s our  _ dad _ you’re disrespecting.”

Lily tossed her hair back over one shoulder almost petulantly. “Am I  _ wrong _ ? He kept you in the  _ dark  _ about the Yellow Eyed Demon - whereas  _ I _ know the demon’s  _ name _ and  _ why he killed Mom _ .”

Everyone in the room froze. 

“...  _ What _ ?” 

“You didn't tell me this!” Bobby exclaimed. 

She gave him a  _ look _ . “I  _ promised _ ,” Lily emphasized, and the scrapper backed down. She turned back to her brothers. “I can’t tell you anything until I know it’s  _ safe _ for me to tell you.”

“ _ Safe _ ? Like keeping your  _ existence  _ from us was  _ safe _ ?”

“Watch your tone, boy,” Bobby warned lowly and stepped closer to her in a show of solidarity. “We didn’t have a  _ choice _ . Have either of you idjits been possessed in th’ last 10 years? Gone up against somethin’ that reads minds?”

Sam shuffled a little awkwardly, and Dean just managed to look angrier and more defensive. 

Bobby nodded and raised his eyebrows. “ _ Exactly _ . If you boys’d known she was alive, you would’ve  _ killed _ her. If Lily tells us anything without gettin’ permission first, then you’ll kill her  _ and _ the one who’s been keepin’ her safe all this time  _ and _ all of us. You understand?” 

Lily touched his shoulder. “It’s alright, Bobby,” she assured quietly. She just wanted this day to be over. “They don’t  _ know _ .” Bobby only continued to glare at her brothers, daring them to threaten her through careless actions, and she shifted uncomfortably, no longer able to look her brothers in the eye again. The crickets were chirping, her eyelids were drooping, and Lily was still mourning. “Can we - Can we please just - talk about this later? I’ve driven several hours, and I just - I just wanna go to bed.”

There must have been something in her voice or in her expression, because Bobby looked at her in understanding, and even though Dean grit his teeth and Sam looked sad, there was a flash of  _ something _ in their eyes that could have been concern or sympathy or any number of things. Without waiting for an answer - she was an  _ adult _ dammit - Lilianne hefted her duffel and climbed the stairs to the third guest bedroom. 

That night she dreamt of brown eyes and big brothers and fire. 

* * *

The morning did not bring an end to the tension. 

Lily was up first and returned from her dawn run just as Bobby was shuffling into the kitchen. Sun dripped golden across the floors and furniture and gilded the dust sent whirling when she walked and the spiderwebs that posed in corners. There was some birdsong - let in by the window she left cracked open in the kitchen - and the air smelled equal parts of must and dew and old paper. 

Together Lily and Bobby danced in well-worn grooves to brew coffee and cook breakfast together, the air ringing with the clinking and clattering of the dishes and the comfort of their silent camaraderie. 

Sam was the next to come down around eight; he wolfed down a small helping of eggs and bacon while awkwardly avoiding eye contact and conversation with everyone beyond a quiet, “Thank you.” After leaving his dishes in the dishwasher, he left for his own morning run. 

Dean didn’t appear until almost nine, and his helping of breakfast - eaten while Lily and Bobby were reading quietly in the library - was significantly more substantial. Sam returned just as Dean polished off the last of the bacon but gratefully accepted a glass of the homemade smoothie Lily silently handed him. 

“You run in the mornings?” she asked, determined to keep things from being  _ too _ uncomfortable. 

“Every morning I can,” he replied, smile tense. 

She hesitated. “I run at dawn,” she offered. 

To her surprise, Sam smiled genuinely and laughed softly. “You like the sunrise,” he nodded and  _ looked _ at her for the first time all morning. “I remember you could hardly sleep past dawn; you said it was because you liked to see the world come alive again.” 

Something soft and warm and sad swept through her, a hope and melancholy reminder all at once: this  _ had _ been her family,  _ could _ have been her family, but maybe  _ would _ be her family again. For a moment she saw Sam as he had been a decade ago, just becoming gangly, wild hair, expressive, and her partner-in-crime and confidant. Then she blinked, and the dream was over, and they were just two adults part of a broken family left scrambling to hold together. Lily pushed off from where she leaned against the counter and moved for the entry; she needed to take a shower. As she passed behind Dean and in front of Sam, though, she let a hand drift out to each of them to brush across a shoulder or elbow as she passed. Dean, of course, tensed, but Sam returned her hesitant smile.

After that, everyone scattered to the wind. Dean was presumably out repairing the Impala, Sam was on the couch with his laptop, and Bobby was, as always, in the library. When Lily peeked in (or out) at each of them, she could see the weight of their shoulders, the lines of it in their faces. She wondered if she looked like that, too - as if she were coming apart at the seams. With all her own problems to keep in mind, it was hard to remember that they had just lost a friend and father. John was all but a stranger to Lily, an unpleasant memory of days long past. What sort of comfort could she offer, she wondered? None. None at all, because John had not been  _ hers _ . 

So instead Lily shoved socked feet into her combat boots, shrugged into her favorite, oversized flannels, and slipped out the front door without anyone the wiser. 

She walked for miles. Just walked and walked - walked off her grief, walked off the emotions crushing her chest, walked off the nightmares and the insecurities and the uncertainty of her future. There was nothing else she  _ could _ do. With Dean in the scrapyard, there was no opportunity for her to hide among the metallic carcasses as she might otherwise do; Sam was just sort of  _ there _ , and she wasn’t yet comfortable enough to let him see her own suffering; Bobby was… well, Bobby was mourning three friends and mourning them as he knew best. He had the most experience in this area, so she would let him be. 

Beneath the heavy sun, Lily could feel her exposed skin tighten with sunburn. By the time she realized the sun was lower in the sky than when she’d started, she’d missed three phone calls from Bobby. Her feet throbbed, and there was no county road or sign in sight. It was beautiful, though.

Lily paused to inhale deeply of the cooling air. There were maybe two more hours of daylight, so the sun, while still bright, was just beginning to change the sky funny colors. At the very least, it lit the head-high corn stalks that stood sentry along the road as far as she could see in either direction in such a way as to make them look greener against the blue sky. Another deep inhale brought the scent of a world set to baking, an aroma carried by the linen-soft breeze. By closing her eyes, she could focus on the rough rustling of the stiff stalks brushing together - a symphony she had very much missed. 

… She couldn’t stall forever. 

Bobby picked up on the first ring. 

_ “Lily! Where the hell’ve you been?! I tried callin’ ya three times!” _

She winced at the mild panic in his tone. “‘M sorry, Bobby,” she mumbled guiltily. “I - I went on a walk an’ lost track of time.”

_ “Lost track of time?!” _ The other end fell silent, and when the scrapper spoke again, he was much more composed.  _ “I’m sorry,” _ he said more gently.  _ “You really had me worried, Lily. It’s almost six in th’ evening!” _

Meaning she’d been gone for almost eight hours. Damn. “Look, I really am sorry. I just…” 

He exhaled heavily.  _ “I know, Lily, I know. This whole thing… It’s a mess, innit?” _ Another sigh.  _ “You need me to come pick you up?” _

Lily looked up at the darkening sky and then down at the road she’d been walking. Based on previous experience, she’d gone about 16 miles. If she were to walk back on her own, it would take her another eight hours. On the other hand she didn’t really  _ want _ to go back. She wanted to be out under the stars and the moon, wanted more time to think, more time to let the cool night air clear her mind. “I…” She swallowed, suddenly overcome by a driving  _ need _ to keep  _ walking _ . “Bobby, I think I’ll walk back.”

_ “... You sure?” _

“... Yeah. Just - Don’t wait up for me, alright?” An empty plea; she knew he would, anyway. Lily waited to hear the responding, long-suffering sigh before she hung up and slipped the phone back into her pocket. She took a moment to regain her bearings - then began the long walk back to Bobby’s home.

* * *

It had only been five hours when a car coming from the other direction turned around and pulled up beside her. “You gonna get in?” Dean asked through the open window. Lily blinked, dazed, exhausted, and almost collapsed into the passenger seat with relief. As they began driving, he commented, “Bobby didn’t tell us where you were till half an hour ago.” He glanced sideways at her, gaze unreadable and lips pursed. “Walk, huh?”

She shrugged but refused to look anywhere but out her window. “I’m surprised you came to get me.” 

“The hell  _ else _ was I supposed to do? I waited 15 more minutes before the idea of you out here alone drove me  _ nuts _ .” 

So it was  _ concern _ that drove him here. Cute. “I’m a big girl, Dean,” Lily sighed tiredly; she looked over at him. “I can take care of myself, yanno.” He opened his mouth to protest, face drawn tight in a scowl, but didn’t give him a chance. “No. I’ve spent the last decade hunting, too, and I’m  _ good _ at it.” 

His hands clenched on the wheel, and she looked back out the window. 

But she couldn’t stand to leave things so upset, so she admitted quietly, “... I’m glad you came, though.” 

It was not enough to break the stewing silence, but Dean  _ did _ relax a little - and  _ stayed _ that way right up until Lily tried to get out of the car and ended up using the door to keep herself from becoming intimately acquainted with the ground. “Lilianne?” 

“‘M fine,” she grunted. Her feet were on  _ fire _ . To prove her point, she tried to take a step forward - and promptly latched back on to the door with a whimper. 

“Woah, easy there.” He approached cautiously, brow furrowed in both concern and question. When Lily eventually nodded her assent, Dean lifted her in his arms and carried her into the house. They passed Sam on the couch and then the open door to the library, so by the time Dean had set Lily down on the table, Sam and Bobby were orbiting around them and clearing things out of the way, grabbing the medical kit, and asking what was wrong. 

“It’s my feet,” she grito ut. “Apparently 26 miles in boots does  _ not _ feel good.” A fact which was made all the more evident when her oldest brother helped her peel off the black leather to reveal bloodied and blistered feet. 

Sam and Dean both stared in horror, and Bobby swore. “Balls, kid.” He crouched down with the first aid kit in hand and gently pushed Dean out of the way in order to treat the wounds. Looking up at Sam he ordered, “Go get me a big bowl o’ warm water an’ some soft towels ‘r rags.” He looked back at Lily, and she could tell from his apologetic expression that she was going to be in pain for the foreseeable future.

Her right foot wasn’t so difficult to treat, though it did hurt like hell. Bobby gently peeled the sock off and cleaned in and around the wounds; once they were able to see well enough to assess the damage, his next step was to  _ sterilize _ the wounds - an act which left her trembling - and bandage them. Then it was time for her left foot. 

Hot damn, her left foot. Her sock had dried  _ into _ one of the blisters, so Bobby had to soak her foot in the bowl of water to even get the sock  _ off _ . By that point, Lily was in so much pain that tears were slipping unrestrained down her cheeks, and she had laid down on the table in part to keep herself from watching the whole process. 

_ “Goddammit _ , Bobby,” she gasped, chest heaving, eyes trained unseeingly on the ceiling. “C-Can’t we just call -”

“ _ No _ ,” he interjected, knowing  _ exactly _ what she was about to ask.”We need to take care of this on our own,” he reminded her.

Lily felt hands grip hers (one more hesitant than the other), one brother on each side, and she squeezed them with her surprising strength as Bobby scoured the debris out of the gaping wounds and sterilized them. By the time he was wrapping her foot in soft gauze, soft sounds of pain were darkening the air above her, her limbs felt boneless, and her heart was palpitating strangely as the last of the adrenaline faded from her system. 

Bobby grunted as he stood, and Dean slipped his hand from hers; Sam held on almost defiantly, and she was so, so grateful for that. “Where d’ya wanna go, baby girl? Couch? Bed?”

With her now-free hand she signed  _ Bed _ , and he nodded. 

“Sam, if you could take her up to her room, you can help me clean this up, Dean.” 

Strong arms lifted Lily and cradled her against a warm body, and she wrapped her own arms around her twin’s neck, clinging to him as he carried her up the stairs. He set her down gently on the bed - but she didn’t let him go, instead held on as if her life depended on it. When it became apparent she wouldn’t be letting go any time soon, Sam settled back against the headboard. 

He cleared his throat. “So, uh, you figure it out?” 

Lily blinked blearily up at him.

“Whatever you went on your walk for. You figure it out?”

Her chest tightened, and it became difficult to breathe; she shook her head and hid her face in his shoulder. 

Sam rubbed a hand up and down her back and sighed. “I’m sorry. I wish there was something I could do to help.”

She thought of old memories, of nights spent sleeping between her brothers, of curling up in the back seat with Sam, of whispering her secrets in his ear when her fevers became too much to handle - of Roy and Pearl, always there for her until they  _ weren’t _ , not buried but burned, of sleepless nights and hot cocoa, baseball games in Chicago and New York and football in Texas and country music right in the heart of Tennessee. Lily felt  _ alone _ , because none of those things could be that way again. “ _ Stay _ ,” she whispered, hands clenched in his jacket. 

And he did, the two of them falling asleep curled up and around each other like vines reaching for the sun, searching for comfort and peace. 

The nightmares came, but each time Lily woke, it was with her best friend beside her. She was not alone. 

* * *

Lily woke at her usual time. It was part habit, she supposed, and part stubborn determination - but she got up and gently extricated herself from Sam’s protective embrace and even more carefully washed before shuffling downstairs. She had zero plans to go running - duh - but otherwise no plans to fill up her morning. So when Sam joined her an hour later when the sky was pink and the air just slightly chill, it was to find her huddled beneath an afghan on the couch watching some show with the volume off. 

“Morning,” he murmured, tone light and warm and crusted with sleep. 

She smiled up at him. “Morning.” 

Sam settled beside her, arm thrown over the back of the couch behind her, and he blinked blearily to clear his eyes. “You sleep well?” he asked. 

Images flashed across her vision, the same images that had been haunting her for months. “... Yeah. There were nightmares, but - I was able to fall asleep again.” Her cheeks warmed at the admission, and she couldn’t even glance at him. Was it shyness or embarrassment? Did it matter? 

No, because Sam’s response was to laugh softly and confide, “Me, too.”

They said nothing else for a while - simply let the morning wash over them. 

“... Is Bobby working a case about angels?” Lily looked over at him then, brow furrowed as she licked her lips.

“Ah, maybe. Why?”

He shrugged and slouched deeper into the couch. “No reason. I was just looking at the books on his desk in the library before you showed up yesterday, and there are a lot of pictures of angels. I can’t  _ read _ any of the stuff he has, but I figured the pictures wouldn’t just be  _ random _ .”

Despite herself, she chuckled and relaxed. “Yeah. I’ve actually been helping him do some research. I think… I think I might’ve met an angel, and Bobby’s been helping me do research.”

Her twin turned to face her fully, eyes wide and eyebrows raised and mouth slightly ajar. “You’re serious? How do you know?” 

Lily thought back to her very first encounter with Zadkiel all those years ago; a smile slipped unbidden across her features. “He told me, actually.”

Sam was leaning forward in his eagerness, features bright and youthful as she hadn’t seen them in years. “Really? Do you believe him?”

“... Yeah, I do. But he’s a lot different than I think you want to know, Sam.”

His face sort of fell, and guilt pinged through her. 

“You said you couldn’t read a lot of the texts? Would you like me to show you some of what we’ve found that we’re  _ pretty _ sure is accurate? It’s all pretty cool.” 

He nodded, and with some effort she limped to the library, Sam close behind. 

“Some of the best stuff we could find is also some of the  _ oldest _ ,” Lily commented as she grabbed various tomes and set them on the desk. “Angels are mentioned as early as the Sumerian empire, but there isn’t enough about them until Sumeria merged with Akkad to really get much information.” She flipped open a specific book and flipped through several pages until she came to a certain one, then held the book out to Sam. “Bobby and I like to do as much of the translating ourselves as we can - especially since we have a lot of the supernatural and metaphysical context that other people just won’t have. That image you’re looking at is of an original tablet written in Akkadian. Still uses cuneiform much like Sumerian, but the grammatical structure is a lot closer to classical Arabic. Once Bobby realized that, he was able to go through and translate the tablet and even publish those translations as a way to help other hunters and even civilian scholars. We got it checked out by other linguistic experts and archaeologists, too.” 

Sam was blatantly staring at her in wide-eyed shock. 

“... You do  _ read _ cuneiform, right?” she clarified, because  _ surely _ John had made sure to teach his boys how to  _ find  _ what they were hunting, right? But Sam’s response was immediate and painfully, honestly blunt.

“You  _ do _ ?” 

They both stared at the other as if each were a strange creature from another world - until first one and then the other broke into a laughing fit over the absurdity of it all. “I’ll find the translations,” Lily promised once she could breathe properly again. 

Sam smirked back. “I was really just browsing.” His smile fell. “Just trying to pass the time, you know?”

The humor evaporated from her body, and all Lilianne could think about was how cold she felt. “Yeah,” she mumbled looking away, “I do.” 

He cleared his throat, awkward once again. “So. I, uh, saw Bobby drink to three glasses the first night we were here. I was just getting a glass of water and found him in the kitchen. I only know about Dad dying, though; do you know who the other two were?”

For some reason, she felt like she’d been caught flat-footed. Lily shifted on stinging feet and refused to meet his eyes. “No. I think some other hunter friends of his, though. He probably won’t talk about ‘em if you ask, so I’d just leave well enough alone.” It came out perhaps more surly than she’d intended, but thankfully her brother dropped it and moved on. 

“Are there any other dead languages I should be prepared to see reading about angels?”

“Biblical Hebrew for sure,” she replied, “and Latin, obviously. There are some interesting references in Aramaic, and possible leads in Ancient Greek.” She paused and looked up at the ceiling as she thought. “I think… Well, there’s something Bobby and I think  _ might _ be about angels, but the thing is in Coptic, so we’re not sure how legitimate it is; we’re following that lead up. Other than that, though, everything else is in a language either Bobby or I speak, so if you need help, just ask one of us. Actually, just ask Bobby since he knows more’n I do.” Lily shrugged humbly. 

“Know more about  _ what _ ?” a gruff voice grouched. 

Lily turned and smiled brightly. “You speak more languages than me. Mornin’, Bobby!”

He grunted and continued on to the kitchen.

Turning back she apologized, “I should head in and start making breakfast. I can grab those translations for you -”

“No, no,” Sam dismissed with a smile. “I’ll come help you.” 

Bobby looked up from the coffee pot as the twins walked, eyes lingering on Lily’s limp. “You shouldn’t be on your feet, baby girl,” he sighed; he knew his words would do nothing. 

“I’m alright, Bobby,” she assured and pecked him on the cheek as she passed him to reach the fridge. She didn’t see the disbelieving look guardian and brother exchanged. 

By the time Lily finally sat down to eat, though, her feet were aching something fierce. It was a good distraction from the heavier things, however, so she refused to let herself react outwardly to the pain. Instead she slathered her toast in raspberry preserves and her pancakes in real Canadian maple syrup, and exchanged funny anecdotes with the men. When Dean stumbled in looking for all the world like a headless chicken, Sam and she laughed. 

Of course, then her oldest brother went and brought the mood down by asking the very question she had been trying to avoid. 

“How’re your feet?”

She forced a smile. “Fine. They don’t hurt that much at all, surprisingly.”

“ _ Bull _ ,” Bobby muttered into his mug; she stiffened but ignored him. 

“Lily?” Sam asked, all concern and worry and puppy eyes. 

“I’m  _ fine _ .” 

“You’ve been  _ limping _ ,” he countered without any venom. 

She leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms over her chest, green eyes glaring at her plate of food. “I’d rather not talk about it,” she managed through grit teeth. 

“ _ Lilianne _ ,” Bobby began, but she cut him off. 

“ _ No _ , Bobby. I’m  _ not _ going to have this conversation right now until I’m  _ ready _ , and I’m  _ damn _ well not ready yet.”

“ _ Don’t _ talk back t’ me, girl.” Bobby's eyes had narrowed in warning, gaze unforgiving (but not uncaring, either). “You think I don’t know what you’re goin’ through?”

She looked away in guilt. Bobby continued. 

“Lord  _ knows _ I do, better’n anyone else. But there are better ways of copin’ that aren’t  _ hurting _ yourself, ya hear me?” He gestured at her while he spoke, accentuating each point with a jab in her direction. Bobby motioned to her brothers. “Don’t be like  _ these _ idjits and hide from the problem.”

There was a moment where Sam and Dean looked offended before their big-brother instincts kicked in and they both turned to her suspiciously. “Lily?” Sam asked cautiously.

Lily and Bobby were locked in a staring match, her hands clenched in her sleeves and body wound tight like a spring.

“What’s he talkin’ about, Lilianne,” Dean questioned, voice brooking no patience for resistance.

Bobby opened his mouth defiantly. “It’s -”

“ _ None of their business _ ,” she spat. “They didn’t know them, they won’t  _ care _ , so it  _ doesn’t matter _ .” Lily forced herself to relax and add as flippantly as possible, eyes openly challenging him, “Besides, they have their  _ own _ problems, Bobby. Why dump ours on top?”

He looked away first, guilt and grief weighing his gaze. A different sort of guilt was eating Lily inside-out like an acid making her feel sick - sick at the situation, sick  _ of _ the situation, sick with herself. She abruptly shoved back and stood up, ignoring the gazes of the other two men. 

“I’m gonna be outside,” she muttered and dumped her dishes in the sink before escaping to the salvage yard.

It was that time of morning where the sun was fully up and not yet warm but flatly bright, illuminating everything it touched with harsh reality. Lily squinted against the light and ignored the twinge as she wiggled her toes in the dirt. She would probably regret not putting on shoes, but she just didn’t  _ care _ anymore. 

A deep inhale steadied her cantering heartbeat, and she took off into the maze. Her hands were shoved deep into the pockets of her ragged jeans, and the same refreshing breeze that flipped her curls into her face reminded her that she was only out there in her shortsleeve T-shirt. 

“ _ Dammit _ .”

She kicked at a rock - and regretted it the moment pain shot through her foot.

“Dammit!” 

Tears sprang to her eyes, but she wasn’t sure if they were from the pain. She was just -  _ done _ . 

And so she did something incredibly, monumentally stupid (stupidly  _ desperate _ ). 

“Hey, Zadkiel?”

Lily sniffed and wiped her nose against her shoulder. 

“You, uh, don’t have to show or anything, yanno.”

_ Any _ angel could potentially hear her right now. But she kept talking anyway. She  _ needed _ to keep talking. 

“I just… I just need to talk to someone. I…” Lily swallowed thickly; her vision blurred. “I need a  _ friend _ .” Unable to trust her legs, she sat on the hood of some old rust-bucket deep in the scrapyard. “You’re the angel of mercy, right? So can’t you, yanno, have mercy on  _ me _ ? Tale the pain away for a  _ little _ while?” A sob hitched in her throat. Somewhere a branch creaked, and the breeze whistled amongst the strange metal pathways created by the junk. “I don’t know what to  _ do _ . I wanted to be with my brothers, but I didn’t expect them to be  _ strangers _ . I just… I’m  _ lost _ , Zad. I’m lost, and  _ I don’t know what to do _ .” Her voice caught and broke in time with the distant croak of a bird, and her body began to shake with the force of her half-contained sobs. 

Lily hung her head; there was no one here to see her. How could she still have so many tears to shed? She’d cried so many times over the last two weeks that she should be  _ dry _ , practically a desert, yet here she was still going at it like some renewable resource. 

Footsteps drew close and paused once they must have noticed her. Whoever it was decided to approach and sit next to her - not  _ too _ close, but not too far, either. 

“So. Uh, I guess you’ve been having a rough time, huh?”

She said nothing, only wished it hadn’t been  _ Dean _ . 

“Bobby didn’t tell us nothin’, but - I mean, we’re your  _ brothers _ , and we’re not  _ blind _ ; we know  _ somethin’s _ wrong.” 

His words echoed her prayer too closely, and she found herself snapping, “You’re  _ strangers _ .” Dean jerked at the impact of her words, but she wasn’t  _ wrong _ . “I haven’t been a part of your life for a  _ decade _ , Dean. I hardly know you anymore! Even though I’ve heard stories, I don’t know what  _ you’ve _ been through, and  _ you _ don’t know what  _ I’ve  _ been through.” Maybe the burden of all her secrets was too much, because Lily angrily hooked two fingers around her collar and yanked it down to expose the scar that marked just one of her many closet-skeletons. “Did you know I had a heart transplant nearly four years ago?”

Dean’s eyes were wide with shock and growing horror.

“Yeah,” she snarked and let her shirt go. “I was helping with a hunt, some stupid witch, and I got  _ hexed _ . I was rushed to the emergency room and into emergency surgery.” The memory resurfaced - terror and pain, fear - and she swallowed against the light fluttering in her chest. “We didn’t kill the damn bitch in time, though, and the hex was still in effect partway through the surgery when - when one of the other hunters was able to gank her. It  _ messed me up _ , Dean.” Another flutter, and Lily knew she was getting too worked up, but she couldn’t stop the confession from spilling from her lips like blood. “I have arrhythmias if I get too angry or too afraid or too  _ anything _ , and this job is damn well gonna  _ kill _ me. Tomorrow, next week, in a year,  _ ten _ \- I don’t  _ know _ . I don’t know, and all I wanna do is spend whatever life I have left with  _ you _ and with  _ Sam _ and  _ Bobby _ , but you’re  _ so _ damn set on blaming me for just trying to  _ survive _ . How am I supposed to keep fighting when there’s a threat on my head, death to my name, and information that I know could lead to me  _ losing _ you?”

Lily was so, so sick of crying. Her heart was thrumming erratically in her chest and sending small sparks of pain through her torso, and air felt like it was hard to come by. Everything was  _ wrong _ and for the first time in ten years she wondered in maybe she should have just let Heaven have its way with her.

A strange, low whine sounded in the air, and it took Dean hesitantly reaching for her for Lily to realize the noise was coming from  _ her _ .

She resisted her brother’s attempts at comfort and instead stumbled to her feet; her breathing was ragged, so she tried to slow it down. When her knees almost buckled, she leaned forward to brace herself against the car, right hand reflexively raising to clench over her heart as if she could physically hold it to calm it down.

Her chest hurt. At this point she was truly struggling, fear creeping up on her. Big, steady breaths were barely making a dent, and her escalating panic was doing the very opposite of helping. It was a very real concern that she would not be able to calm down, that these might be her last moments on Earth -

But Lily managed, like she always had. She  _ refused _ to die now just as she was trying to reconnect with her brothers, not so soon after three other deaths; she wouldn’t put her brothers through the death of their sister, wouldn’t put Bobby through the loss of a daughter.

With steely determination, Lily calmed her racing heart. The sharp pains and aches in her chest faded in time with the rising of the sun, and soon she was breathing normally again.  _ Holy shit _ , she thought and was very glad that Bobby wasn’t there to see that.

“Lily?” 

_ Shit _ . Lily forgot Dean was even there. In her surprise she shoved back from the car - but her feet decided to make themselves known, and she would have fallen if it wasn’t for her big brother scooping her up into his arms at the last second.

“Damn, sparky, chill out,” he grunted. She responded by slightly turning into him, body trembling with exhaustion, pain, and shock. They were already halfway to the house by the time she realized what he had called her:  _ sparky _ . If she hadn’t been so drained, she would have probably felt happy and pleasantly surprised. He  _ cared _ . 

If they garnered any attention upon their entry to the house, Lily didn’t notice it. Dean carried her straight up to her room and laid her down on her bed, tucking a stray curl behind her ear. He hesitated at her door. “... Let me know if you need somethin’, ‘kay?”

She didn’t have the strength to answer beyond a twitch of her head, and then she was left with a soft sigh to doze fitfully for the rest of the morning. 

* * *

When she woke up (again), it was lunch time. Instead of going down to eat, however, she plopped her duffel of weapons on her bed and began to clean all of them. She especially had a large collection of throwing knives to get through, and many of them needed to be sharpened as well as cleaned. 

Over the years, as Lily had specialized mire in Krav Maga, Aikido, boxing, kickboxing, and knife fighting, she’d picked up weapons to augment her close-range combat style (her  _ throwing _ knives were the exception, more of an indulgence, but she took great pride in those). All of her 15 daggers, knives, and machetes were custom-made: forged with iron, tipped with silver, decorated with runes and sigils of all kinds. Roy and Pearl had taught her how to make her own bullets and tinker with guns, and with all the modifications she’d made, Lily’s shotguns and pistols were deadly for almost any human and supernatural creature.

But her most prized weapon was the one given to her by Zadkiel three years ago. 

Zadkiel and Lilianne had been in Toronto tracking a demon with Pearl when another angel - just having taken their true vessel - stumbled on them completely by happenstance. This angel was  _ not _ a fan of Zadkiel’s actions in saving the youngest Winchester, and the only way to protect them was for Zadkiel to kill his brother. 

Once the fight was over, he had wordlessly handed the other angel’s blade to Lily with the short explanation that it was the only thing capable of killing an angel. Then he disappeared. 

(Later, when he had come back to check on them, she asked somewhat fearfully, “Even you?”

He smiled sadly and showed her his own blade - different in form almost completely, elegant and terrifying all at once. “This is an Archangel blade, and  _ it  _ is the only thing capable of killing me. I know the other Archangels disguise their blades to look like the rest as a way to protect themselves, but… I see no point. My Father made me what I am, and I will not hide my weaknesses.” Brown eyes went distant in thought as they always did when he thought of his siblings. “My siblings seem to believe that it is our strengths that make us strong, so they hide their weaknesses and pretend strength greater than they possess. However, in my contemplations of humanity with my brothers Joshua and Jophiel, we have determined that our Father believes our  _ weaknesses _ to make us strong. If that is the case, then I would rather be the weakest thing in the universe.”

Once again he focused back on her, his smile more genuine. 

“Perhaps that is why my Father loves humans:  _ because _ of your flaws, and not despite them.”)

There hadn’t been any cause to use the angel blade as of yet, but Zadkiel had not stopped training her with it, either. In the event Heaven came after her, she would need everything she had to protect herself.

By the time she was finished cleaning everything and setting aside anything that needed to be repaired, the sun had gone down. Based on what she could hear, Dean had already gone to bed, leaving Bobby and Sam awake - probably in the library. 

With the ease of practice, Lily snuck downstairs into the kitchen silently and unseen. She grabbed a beer from the fridge and took it outside; she wanted some fresh air and maybe a glimpse of the stars. 

The back door was the quietest, so that was the exit she took. Lily didn’t really mind, though, because that meant she had the chance to see the Impala after so many years apart. Just like earlier, she hoisted herself up to sit on the trunk. There were no clouds, and way out in the middle of nowhere like they were, she could see the whole spread of the night sky with achingly beautiful detail. She twisted the ca off and took a sip - and grimaced, wishing instantly for the brandy or Jack Daniels her foster father had preferred. 

Setting the bottle aside, Lily closed her eyes and breathed in deeply. She tried to think of all things she was grateful for in that moment of relative peace. 

Her brothers.

The cool night air.

The stars.

Bobby.

That she ever got to know Roy and Pearl at  _ all _ . 

… Zadkiel.

Instinctively she relaxed, and when her eyes opened it was to meet the gaze of the Archangel himself.

In the starry lighting, the deep brown of his eyes assumed the color of the dark sky and reflected the light of the stars. It was a mesmerizing effect, and Lily would happily spend the rest of her life staring at the reflection of eternity in her angel’s eyes.

“Lilianne,” he murmured, and she blinked out of her daze. He was concerned; she could see it in the furrow of his brow and the downward tilt to his lips. 

For the first time, she  _ wanted _ to cry - and, for the first time, she had no tears  _ to _ cry. What was left was a bone-deep weariness that drained all the strength from her limbs. “ _ Zad _ ,” she breathed and slumped forward in exhaustion. 

He did not move quickly, but he did step forward and hold her steady with a hand on her arm.

“I heard your prayer,” he stated simply.

Their positions allowed Lily to rest her forehead against his sternum. “You shouldn’t have come,” she murmured in reply. “They could find you.”

“I took precautions.” With both hands now gently clasping her arms, Zad pushed her back until he could hold her gaze. “You needed me.”

_ There _ .  _ That _ was all that was needed to let the last few tears dribble down her cheeks. Her breath hitched, and Lily threw her arms around his waist. She wanted to tell him that he was right, that she’d never needed anyone more in her entire life, that if she was forced to deal with this all on her own she thought she might actually die - that her heart would give out on her and Lilianne Winchester would be no more.

But she couldn’t find the words to say all that, could only tighten her hold on the last shred of sanity she had left and pray it wouldn’t leave just like everyone else. 

Familiar arms encircled her, and peace settled over her. It may have only been a couple days since she saw him last, but Lily had come to realize that she relied on Zadkiel - an immortal, inhuman, unimaginably powerful being - for a lot more of her mental and emotional stability than was healthy.

Other than being a parental figure, Zadkiel was  _ everything _ to her.

“I felt your distress earlier,” the angel murmured into the top of her head. “Are you alright?”

_ Right _ . Zadkiel had Marked her years ago, placing her under his protection and allowing him to sense what she was feeling at any given moment; he would know when she ‘went into distress’ (as he said). “I’m fine,” she mumbled back. They pulled apart once she had calmed, and Zad sat beside her. Lily pulled another swig from her bottle and stared back up at the stars. 

“... You’re injured.”

When she glanced at him, he was looking down at her feet - her dirty, bandaged, un-booted feet. “Yep.” 

He fixed his eyes on the side of her face. “... Would you like me to heal you?”

She snorted derisively. “No. Sam and Dean would be suspicious, and I don’t think I’m quite ready to just - flood them with any more of my secrets.

Zad quirked an eyebrow. “Any  _ more _ ?”

The distance between them suddenly felt larger and Lilianne herself so much smaller. “... I told them about my heart.”

“The heart you  _ also _ will not let me heal?”

For some reason she felt angry. “Maybe I’m fighting against my destiny,” she snipped. 

This seemed to confuse Zadkiel. “You…  _ have _ no destiny.”

“Well, that’s just  _ it _ , isn’t it?” Lily shoved off of the Impala and paced back and forth; her arms gestured wildly around her. “I  _ don’t _ have destiny, no grand  _ plan _ \- that’s why your family wants me  _ dead _ .” She faced him head-on, eyes narrowed and breaths rapid. “That means I don’t have a  _ fate _ , either - so maybe I’m just  _ choosing _ mine.” The youngest Winchester laughed bitterly and tangled her fingers in her hair. “That’s my  _ freedom _ , isn’t it? I’m the only one in the whole wide world with nothing chosen  _ for _ me, so I get to choose for  _ myself _ . That’s a  _ good _ thing! That’s what you’re keepin’ me alive for!”

Zadkiel, ever calm, stood and approached her. She let him, and he gently gripped her wrists and pulled her clawing fingers back from her scalp; he held her hands between their bodies. “I am saving your life,” he said, voice low, “because you  _ weren’t _ given a choice. With no destiny or fate to determine, drive, or otherwise influence your actions, you are an unknown - a variable that could potentially affect the destinies of others. You are unbound, and I believe that my Father made it  _ my _ destiny to guide you, watch over you, and I believe it to be no coincidence that I  _ am  _ the angel of freedom. You may have no destiny, but mine is entwined with you as surely as your brothers’ are with each other. You may have no fate, but your gift is that you can  _ choose _ that - and I will help you, Lilianne. I will help you for as long as you want up until the moment you choose a fate that carries you away from this mortal plane. Just - Don’t choose that now. Please. No yet. Give your brothers a  _ chance _ \- give  _ me _ a chance.”

He was leaned forward, eyes wide and unblinking, gaze soulful and  _ honest _ . It was a little overwhelming, honestly, and Lily almost wanted to step away to regain her bearings. 

But Zad was waiting for a response, and his stare had rooted her to her spot, his grip on her hands an anchor in a heaving sea. To re-emphasize his point, Zad practically pleaded, “Choose your fate; that is your right - but do not do something so foolish as to deny yourself the chance of  _ living _ .”

She could do nothing but squeeze his hands in response, any words she might have had either vanished in the face of his naked honesty or stuck behind the lump in her throat. “ _ Alright _ ,” she breathed finally and looked down at their joined hands. “ _ Alright _ .” 

It was the best she could do.

* * *

Zadkiel stayed long enough for Lily to nod off against his shoulder, both of them once again perched on the back of the Impala. At that point he carried her inside, the only person to witness their arrival being Bobby. Hunter and angel exchanged friendly nods, and Zadkiel proceeded upstairs to Lily’s room where he laid her on her bed. 

It always hurt him a little to leave her; how could it not? She was his charge, his  _ destiny _ . That bit wasn’t a lie; three years after meeting her, Zad had spoken to Joshua and learned the truth: not only was Zadkiel’s destiny entwined the the girl herself, but Lilianne Winchester  _ was _ his destiny - his destiny to save, his destiny to free, his destiny to protect. His fate likewise was tied inexplicably to her - only her ability to choose her fate would determine  _ his  _ as well. 

He wouldn’t change it for the world. The uncertainty of his future was…  _ exhilarating _ in a way he had not experienced since almost the dawn of time. If his older brothers were to learn of his involvement with the girl, it would certainly mean Zadkiel’s Fall and Lily’s subsequent annihilation. That could not be allowed to happen for any reason or under any circumstances. It was why Zad had fought so hard to keep her hidden - would  _ continue _ to fight to keep her hidden up until he could do so no longer. 

Zad sighed softly and studied the soiled bandages on Lily’s feet. They needed to be changed and her wounds cleaned before she developed an infection, but the young woman had previously voiced her discomfort with him simply snapping his fingers to clean her injuries and bandage them. ‘Disorienting’ was the word she had used. 

With infinite gentleness, the Archangel unwrapped the bandages and cleaned them with a thought. He would normally take the time necessary to properly clean the wounds, but she was asleep, and he wanted nothing less in the world at that moment than to wake her. Instead, with another thought, the wounds were cleaned and sterilized (and maybe the healing process sped up by a couple days), and then he carefully rewrapped her feet by hand. 

( _ As it began, so it would end. From darkness into light, and from light back to darkness. From life unto death, and, at the last, unto life again eternal. The last would be first and the first last, a cycle of the Father’s creation, His gift to His worthy children: peace and everlasting joy. _ ) __

Once he was done, he tucked the blanket folded at the foot of her bed around her then stepped back to check her for any more maladies. 

Zadkiel nodded and allowed himself to be swept up by Heavenly currents back to his brethren. Lily would be fine. 

He would make sure of it.

**Author's Note:**

> Alright. So. Long story short, I wanted a sis!fic with an extra angel thrown in. Big surprise. Except I also couldn't find anything quite like what I'm attempting, so if you know of anything similar, please let me know (and if I should add/remove any tags. This fic was... confusing to tag, lol). 
> 
> The reason this is posted as one chapter and is listed as complete is bc I don't want to post any more of this until I have the entire thing written. That could be soon-ish, it could be in a year, or it could be never. I don't know. But I have this done, and I'm really proud of it, and I want to know what you guys think and if you would be interested in reading more of this in the future. Thank you~ <3
> 
> I posted a rant on Tumblr about how writing this fic has led me to some deep, mostly just philosophic introspection on my personal beliefs, so I'll link that at here if you're curious. 
> 
> Stay safe, and please know you're cared for, lovelies! ^^


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